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Five ways to pretend your house is clean

Ever wanted to know how to fake having a clean house? We’ve got five tips to make a quick house clean look like you’ve had it professionally done!

How do they keep such a clean house?

Have you ever been to someone’s house and wondered, “Why is this so suspiciously clean? Are they trying to cover up some kind of crime?”. It seems like some people are born with spotless surfaces, sparse shelves and windows free of smudgy hand-prints. How do they do it? Was there a class the rest of us missed?

They’ve mastered the quick house clean

No one has a clean house all the time. NO. ONE. Even someone selling their home will spruce it up before an inspection. What you’re seeing when you walk through those pristine doors is someone who is the master of the quick house clean. The Harry Potter of the parenting world. A wizard with a spray and wipe. And I’m going to tell you how they do it so pick your jaw up off the floor, Gladys, because I don’t want to mop twice.

Ground Crew

I guarantee you that the master of the quick house clean has ‘men on the ground’ working for them. Namely in the form of either a robot or a dog or both. No crumbs under the high chair? Dog. No little tufts of hair tumbleweeding up and down the hallway in a slight breeze? Cleaning robot. You need to outsource and you need to outsource NOW. Bending down is for suckers. Get your short workers involved.

Baby Wipes

How good are baby wipes? They can be used for any occasion and, sometimes, even the wiping of an actual baby. Sticky counter tops? Baby wipe. Weird mess on floor? Baby wipe. Outline of muddy child pressed firmly against the wall? Baby wipe. Buy no name ones in bulk and go to town. Cleanly and without streaks.

The art of distraction

Look closely. Is your eye drawn to the paintings on the wall? Perhaps there’s one item of brightly coloured furniture in the room? This is the trick of the quick house clean master. Your eye is drawn to the ‘peacocking’ decorating so even if there were incidental messes around you wouldn’t notice them. Genius!

The minimalist

One of the real tricks of the quick house clean is to cut down on having too much stuff in the first place. The whole minimalist movement is about the idea of “love people not things” but, truth be told, they also love not having to step over a million pieces of crap all over the floor as well.

Question – do you have 200 plus DVD’s? How much storage space are they taking up? When is the last time you watched them? Something to think about.

The secret room

The final masterstroke of the quick house clean ninja. Admittedly, this isn’t an option for everyone but you can substitute if you need to. All those parents that you know with clean houses have a secret room. Or compartment. Or cupboard. Or car boot. Somewhere that they fling all the extra rubbish that doesn’t have a real home. No one is THAT neat all the time – it’s a quick house clean trick of the trade.

Quick house clean club

So now you know, I’ve shared the secrets of the quick house clean club. Do you have any extra ‘tips’ for faking your way to a spotless home? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

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Janine Mergler

Janine Mergler is a veteran Queensland teacher, graduating from QUT with a BEd majoring in Social Sciences. After many years in the classroom, Janine moved on to academia. She has proudly trained new generations of teachers in her role as a lecturer at Queensland University of Technology Faculty of Education. She has also worked in the Queensland Government as an education specialist, developing education resources and delivering community awareness programs to help families conserve water. Currently she is the owner and editor of Families Magazine, a publication specifically targeted at parents who value a quality education for children.  Janine leads a team of professionals who write about family lifestyle, early childhood, schools and education information and family-friendly events.

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